#17: Why I'm No Longer Hiding That Money Motivates Me
Coming clean about my lifelong obsession (and trauma) with finances, and why I'm no longer apologizing for being driven by wealth.
Something most people do not know about me, is that I am deeply obsessed with money.
This comes from a beautifully grim melange of generational (and cultural) trauma, my personal upbringing, and my type-A anxiety.
This makes me wildly uncomfortable that I’m publishing this for the world to see, but I’ve been working on chipping away at the veneer on this part of me; largely motivated by wanting to not only establish a healthier relationship with money, but also being really over seeing people (myself included) be held back by not being open about money. For a long time, I really feared other people misinterpreting my reality or conflating my obsession with money with drinking the capitalism kool-aid, but I’m done being demure about what I’ve been able to accomplish and what I’m working towards.
Disclaimer: lest you think I’m some secret Warren Buffet, I’m an Interstellar galaxy distance away from it. I’m just a normal person, who got started on a Roth IRA a lot later than she wishes she would have, overcame a lot of emotional shopping habits, learned by a lot of googling, still couldn’t tell you shit about index funds, and have been exposed to people that really span the giant spectrum of socioeconomic statuses in my life that gave me a better understanding of very different financial scenarios. I’m not a financial expert, but I am resourceful, arguably too controlling about my money, and I’m very eager to start talking about all of it.
We did ourselves such a disservice by inoculating money as a taboo dinner table topic in society, and I don’t know a single person better off for avoiding transparency on finances. There is a serious lack of fundamental financial management knowledge in our society that holds a lot of us back, especially those not born to financial privilege. And shame. Oh, the shame. So much shame woven into the entire fabric of everything money blankets: lack of financial knowledge, debt, credit, spending habits, earnings (high or low), generational wealth, and so on.
I grew up with basically a single mother, who was married to a man (my father) that very much viewed his money as his money, despite my mother giving up her career and earning potential to hold down the fort at home. My father, while generous in supporting his children’s pursuits that he deemed worthy, had a very antiquated view of gender roles around marriage and money. From her experience, my mom wisely emphasized to my sister and I that it was integral for a woman to have her own finances, because finances = freedom. She ingrained in me that while love exists, things happen, and your security cannot be tied to that.
Taking the lesson of I don’t need no man a little too strongly to heart, I heaped layers upon layers of secrecy, scarcity-mindset, and the need for utter control on top of it. I’m an immigrant’s daughter, who feels a physiologically-compulsive need to provide for not only my future, but also my mother’s, as she was the one who sacrificed her own opportunities and security for my own. I also retrospectively discovered that the stories of what I was told of my family’s financial situation did not align with reality. Hence, a lot of money trauma roots, right there.
As a college-age student, then in my early 20’s, the desire to earn was almost frowned upon. It meant that you were greedy, placed money above career trajectory, and foolishly chased money like it guaranteed happiness. On the career front, especially in my age bracket, it was nearly taboo to vocalize that compensation is a main motivator for work. It implied that you weren’t willing to starve for your passions, so you didn’t want it enough. I graduated in one of the worst job economies for new grads in 2012. My entry-level job (that I was told to be grateful to even have), even with a degree from NYU and a stacked resume dating back to working every year since my freshman year, paid me a salary of $35,000. In New York City.
On that front, I think of the line in Ted Lasso, when Ted jabs at Sharon (the team’s therapist), saying therapy is bullshit for a lot of reasons; some of which include charging by the hour for 50 minute sessions, and only caring about her patients tears because she’s paid to. She later asks Ted if he would coach for free (he says yes). Then she asks, “but do you?” He says no. Sharon then points out that he cares about his players, despite getting paid, so why would it be any different for her and her patients.
Learning that a drive to earn/be compensated appropriately for your work and caring about your work is not mutually exclusive… it’s something I’ve learned in my brain, but still am working on being less apologetic about in my career.
They say money can’t buy happiness. But it sure does buy comfort and basic needs, which is integral to happiness.
It’s really easy to see the subject line of this post and assume I’m some brainwashed American, lured in by the capitalistic cog that is our society. My financial drive has little to do with material objects (although of course I appreciate pretty things, I’m a Libra, after all), and more to do with what kind of comfort and access financial stability can bring you.
I do agree with the studies that happiness does plateau at a certain level of wealth (although I absolutely disagree with the amount, given the current economy and cost of goods), and that accruing more beyond that does a person no extra benefit in terms of life satisfaction. While I don’t believe that anyone can buy their way out of emotional well-being, it’d be incredibly privileged and ignorant to not acknowledge what financial security does on your mental health.
Do you need a beautiful, Instagram-worthy house to be happy? No. But would being able to afford a home for your family that has adequate space bring you great comfort and happiness? Yes. Would having a fully-funded emergency savings stash save you an extreme toll on your mental health, should you get laid off or need an emergency health procedure? Absolutely.
Every time I mention financial management on my Instagram, I consistently get a slew of questions and shares on personal insecurities or shame around finances. I really wish there was a Personal Finances 101 class, that taught us about taxes, home-buying, loans, investing, and cash flow management!
In the meantime though, I would love it if we could start a conversation around the parts of finances we struggle with — both logistically, and emotionally (please share in the comments!!). I am LOVING this “loud budgeting” trend for 2024, and I am HERE for us empowering ourselves to be more financially savvy with our spending and management.
What I’m currently Reading, Eating, Playing, Obsessing, Recommending, and Thinking About
In my ACOTAR re-read still, leave me alone! In all seriousness, I haven’t had much time to dedicate to reading, because I’ve been chin-deep in IRL happenings that are… both exciting and emotionally exhausting— so, curling up with a fantasy re-read is just the comfort I need to wind down these days.
Unable to get this life-changing massaman brisket curry (from Anajak Thai, one of my fave LA restaurants ever) out of my head, I’ve vowed that I will learn how to make some better authentic Thai food at home this year! J and I absolutely love all kinds of Thai dishes, yet it’s not a cuisine that I feel confident in cooking at home (yet). I found this massaman curry recipe from a new-to-me food blogger, Pai (of Hot Thai Kitchen) and she has a ton of amazing Thai recipes I plan to look to as I experiment!
I have way too many films on my list to watch now, after the Golden Globes, but funnily enough— the cast of Suits coming out to present an award reminded J and I of how much we loved the show. Truly a show that was only appreciated after it’s time, it’s a great series (now on Netflix) and one that’s even more fun to re-watch.
Also thirstily drank up Gypsy Rose Blanchard’s interview on The Viall Files. Several years ago, I watched The Act (on Hulu), starring Joey King (who played Gypsy Rose Blanchard), and was subsequently fascinated by this sad, horrific story. I’m glad to see she’s free and thriving now (with maybe a little too much detail of how she’s thriving with her husband, on her Instagram… but, like, get it girl??).
My inner child (whose favorite store was Staples) LOVES when it comes time for a new planner. I’ve been using this concept planner from Poketo for the last 5 years, and it really serves me well for how I need to operate— but this year, I decided to take a chance on their essential weekly planner, and I’m loving the layout.
Tried these drinks from Courtside this week, and really loved them! I love that it’s a coconut water-based drink with real fruit, meant for hydration, and the sugar content isn’t bad compared to most fun beverages out there (no added sugars). Grabbed these from a local special goods shop in LA (Wine & Eggs), but hope to see this small brand pop up in more places!
I’m generally pro-voice note, as it’s super helpful to have conversations with my long-distance friends with respect to our own time— but I do feel dread when I see a voice note in reply to what is meant to be a quick back and forth text discussion, and this article explains it well. This bizarre and sad story of Dave Hollis. I wish I could make everyone read these guidelines for petting dogs. The ongoing Ozempic discussion. Why parents struggle so much in the world’s richest country.
Loving this newsletter? I’d be forever grateful if you spread the word! Questions, feedback, thoughts, requests for what you want to hear about in here— just reply to this email to share it all with me. ‘Til next Thursday, take care of your bodies ❤️ Minna
I appreciate how open and honest you are here! My parents were also immigrants so I shared a lot of similar sentiments that you mentioned when growing up. I’m working on my relationship with all things money and finance, but it’s a work in progress that I feel positive about. Looking forward to what else you have to say on this topic!